You are a GOOD MUM 💗 Parenting Tips with Child Psychologist Dr Renee Cachia

You are a GOOD MUM 💗 Parenting Tips with Child Psychologist Dr Renee Cachia

Sometimes Mumming is all consuming and overwhelming. In today's episode I break down some parenting tips that Dr Renee Cachia shared to help us Mum's out. I love the saying "Home is where the Heart Is". It really is about creating a place you want to be but first, you have to look after you.

As a child psychologist and Mum, Renee shares a calming and down to earth perspective on topics like:

• Finding time to focus on you and fill up your cup first
• Defining parenting values and where these come from
• Looking deeper into what triggers us as Mums, based on our own experiences
• Asking for Help
• How to encourage boundaries and discipline for tantrums and behaviour
• Normalising that parenting is hard sometimes and you are doing well!

Inner Practice by Renee: www.innerpractice.com.au/
Dr Renee Cachia instagram: @innerpracticebyrenee

Transcript

Elise: Welcome to inspired home, the podcast that turns chaos into calm and houses into havens. I'm Elyse, your go to Gal for all things home and lifestyle. Whether you're a super mum juggling at all or just looking for a little extra inspiration, you are in the right place. From healthy meal hacks to clever organising tips, I've got you. Are you ready to make your home your fave place to be? Let's jump in. Today I'm really inspired to talk to you about parenting, a bit of mindful parenting, and I was personally inspired by a post that I saw on Instagram by doctor Renee Karsha, who is a parent child psychologist and she has this amazing practice called inner practice by Renee and we have actually interviewed her in the past. So the post that she put up was all about stepping into spring with her inner practice and a course that she's giving called attuned parenting. And I just. I don't know, it just really hit a nerve in my heart because I think sometimes you can feel really pulled between the different ages of your children and values that maybe you've been brought up with, but values that you now want to parent and how that's different. And sometimes it can cause a little bit of anxiety or a little bit of guilt. Definitely. Simon and I talk about this a lot and how there's things that we are consciously trying to parenthood differently to the way we were parented or things that we'd like to change or work on. So I think when this post popped up by Renee, I don't know, it ignited a spark in me and I thought, you know what? I wanted to jump in today and kind of make it into a short bite sized episode that can hopefully just give you some little tips on parenting, mindful parenting, conscious parenting, and just help you to feel a little bit more normal and not guilty about the things that sometimes you just do feel guilty, guilty about as a mum. So I'm gonna jump into that and share some of the goodness that we talked about with Renee. Sometimes it really does feel like such a huge responsibility as a mum. Like, I know I personally feel really torn between what I've learned and what feels right for me, but also what I can see my child wants to explore, my children want to explore in the moment. I love how Renee puts into words how some of these feelings and emotions can really cause such strong parent guilt. And I know this is going to sit so well with you and I know that you're going to relate.

Dr Renee: You know, it's sort of a double edged sword, because we understand how important these early interactions and early parenting experiences are and early attachment and all of those things that are becoming more known in the mainstream. But we also are becoming more overwhelmed by that responsibility because when we understand how much of an imprint and how much of an impact we have, it becomes really frightening for so many people. And anxiety provoking when they do make a mistake and when they do yell or say the wrong thing or react, which everyone does at times. So it's sort of that double edged sword about how can we align with our parenting values and also, you know, learn strategies and just day to day management tools in those moments when we are reactive so that we can align with our values that, you know, may involve, like, conscious parenting, respectful parenting practices, and supporting our children to develop their emotions and resilience and all of the positive effects that we can have as a parent. So I think it sort of takes into account all of these things that it's very normal to feel excited and empowered as a parent to support our children in that way. But it also can be overwhelming and anxiety provoking because of how big that responsibility is.

Elise: Sometimes there is just so much information out there, and it can feel very conflicting, very overwhelming when you're consuming all of these different opinions and approaches on social media and you're in the midst of trying to figure out what aligns with you and where do you sit in your parenting, especially if you're a new mum and especially if you're going into a new season with your children, which, you know, we all are. When you have multiple children, it's like constantly changing. You might have a baby going to a toddler and you might have a preschooler going to school. Or if you're in my case, you've got that plus a preteenager as well. And yeah, it can, can feel really, really overwhelming. So how can we really find the right information that suits us as a mum and suits our children when we.

Dr Renee: Are trying to get clear on our values? So we can take in all this information from the quote unquote experts out there and the child psychology people who say we need to be emotionally connected and attuned to our children. I think it's really important that we take all of the knowledge and the information that's out there, but we also have times where we can get still and get quiet and even work through, whether it's in, like, a journaling capacity or self reflective capacity, to say, like, okay, this is my child and this is who I am. This is my personality, temperament, my essence, my soul, what I want, my dreams, my preferences, and this is theirs. And how can we make this work within our life?

Elise: I love that Renee talks about going quiet and going inward, because at the end of the day, I really feel like what we're all discovering as mums is that to show up as your most aligned, most authentic self, feel your best, fill up your own cup, to then be able to help everyone else. The ultimate thing is that you want to create this home, this haven, this safe space with your family. But to do that, you really have to go inwards. You have to go deep. You have to see what your triggers are, what your traumas are. You have to be able to heal them. And then by doing that, you're going to be able to find the experiences that have really impacted the way that you parent, the challenges that you see, the triggers that come up for you. So these type of things really do affect our parenting values.

Dr Renee: One thing that we know about those is that they are internally generated and they are self directed. It's a way for us to find self directed meaning. One of the ways that we sometimes can find them is by looking at what we don't, what we don't want to do as a parent. And that might be because of, like, our history, our previous experience, maybe we might reflect on an experience that we've had. It might not have been with our parents, it might have been at school where we felt like we weren't seen or we weren't heard, or we felt misunderstood. And so that might start to guide what I want my child to feel seen and heard and understood, because that was so deeply painful when I wasn't. And then we can start to get hints into, okay, what do you actually value? Well, I value my child feeling those things, which might mean that I want to parent from a place of connection and nothing be authoritarian, where, you know, it's, you are to listen and follow my instructions, but your opinion and voice is not heard and valued. So that starts to give us insight into what your parenting values actually are. So they really need to be internally driven.

Elise: One of the best things about this conversation with Renee that I personally loved was when we started to talk about tantrums and setting boundaries. So if you've been a follower of mine, you know that Chloe is our spirited child. She is so, so passionate, and I'm sure so many of you can relate. She's my third child, so I had actually never experienced this with my first two children. They had a few tantrums here and there. But it was never meltdowns, as I like to call it. And Chloe has these epic meltdowns. She's just turned four. And I do feel like we are getting a bit better at working through them together. But the approach that I had used with the other two children just absolutely did not work with her, which I found really, really challenging, to the point where I have ended up in public situations crying myself because I'm trying to be really compassionate and let her through these emotions. But it just becomes so overwhelming and so embarrassing. But what I'm getting at is that I loved this part of the conversation with Renee and her perspective on how we can really guide our children through these without shaming them and using them as teaching moments.

Dr Renee: I think one of the things that you're also asking is how do we allow them to see their consequences and the natural consequences for their actions without shame in them? You want to say, like, that's really embarrassing. They must have, you know, but you're aware that, like, using shame and those sorts of strategies in parenting is. Is one of the most harmful things that we can actually do. If there's one big takeaway that I would say for parents when they're working on, how do I increase discipline? How do I be consistent with boundaries and limits? The very first thing, the main thing you need to be aware of is being aware when shame comes up and removing that. So it doesn't mean, though, that we can't give children feedback and allow natural consequences to unfold, which I think is the best way to sort of embody our limits and boundaries. So if a child does something that is really inappropriate, let's say, and they, you feel like a bit embarrassed by that, or they might feel embarrassed by that without sort of adding the shame, we don't have to add to the consequence of, like, oh, everyone must have thought, you know, or that sort of thing, we can actually explore it with them afterwards or in an appropriate sort of space, whether it's like, privately or separately, without embarrassing in front of everyone, we can explore what happened. So I always like retelling and reflecting it look like when this happened, you did this or you said this, you know, what do you think your friends heard and sort of allowing them to explore? Are they aware of what do you think your friends would have felt when that happened? You know, and exploring if they have the emotional capacity to understand, because that's sort of how we teach empathy and that's how they actually just learn it naturally. And we can kind of help to guide that reflection through it and they might feel a little bit embarrassed, but it's not us saying you're bad and mum feels embarrassed of you, it's them saying, oh, that's embarrassing. And then you normalize in that. So you're not shaming them and saying, yeah, that you shouldn't do that because what are they going to think of you? They're not going to want to play with you anymore. You're saying, yeah, I felt embarrassed when I've said the wrong thing. So next time we're in this situation, like, what could we do instead? And so you're actually using these instances as a teaching opportunity and as a way to build connection. So even when children are behaving in inappropriate or difficult ways, there's always a way that we can actually use it as a moment of intimacy and teaching. And I, look, I know that that's not reality all the time. Sometimes we're just really busy and we don't have time for that, so we don't have to do that every time. But if there are recurring behaviors and themes, which there often are, then we can try and address it with this sort of attuned process some of the time. And then sometimes we're just like, you know, really busy and we have to just set limits for safety and security. Like, you know, when my daughter goes up to. She loves going up to the dog. Sometimes I'm like, well, we don't know that dog. Like, I'll pull her back. I'm not going to let you put your arm. And she might be like, ah, you know, she might complain, I'm not going to let you walk into the kitchen there with all the knives. So she might protest, but you're setting the limit for their wellbeing. And I think it's easy to do that when they're toddlers because we're like, well, I'm not going to let you go and get hurt, but when they're getting older, it's sort of the same thing. And sometimes the limits are like, school refusal is a really big issue at the moment, particularly after Covid and the homeschooling and all the online stuff. So, I mean, the boundary might be that you. I know that you want to stay at home and you don't want to go to school, but actually the limit is that for your well being, it's best for you to go to school. I can't let you be uneducated and isolated as part of my job as a parent to support you to go to school. And it might mean helping them address anxiety, working with a psychologist to put a plan in place. But the boundary and the limit is that, well, if you're at home, then you need to do these ten pieces of work, because I can't let you be uneducated as a parent. So this. I think one of the ways that I encourage boundaries and limit setting with children is to think about what's best for their wellbeing. How does this relate to them? So, usually the boundaries do, because it's like, I can't let you hurt yourself. It's important that other people are safe with you so you can't hurt them, whether it's with your words or, you know, might be siblings. I need to help you play at school because I don't want to let you, you know, that sort of thing.

Elise: To finish off this beautiful episode, I wanted to just share with you how Renee really does reassure us through dialogue, where we can remind ourselves and reassure ourselves that we are a good parenthood, we are a good mum. She does mention that even just showing up as your best self 80% of the time is enough for our children. And I personally found this really reassuring. So I wanted to end this episode by sharing you Renee's point of view on how we can really empower ourselves and reassure ourselves and start making changes when we are feeling disempowered or overwhelmed.

Dr Renee: As a mom, none of us sitting here are being like, oh, we're perfect parents and we haven't ever reacted or made mistakes, so it's like, we all will, but there has to be a level of integrity. So this is where it's really helpful. If you feel like you need people listening, feel like they need to make changes or they want to make improvements, it's like there's so many ways a, there's external support. Psychologists can actually help you where you're feeling disempowered because people don't deliberately do. They don't deliberately go down those paths.

Elise: Right.

Dr Renee: We do it because we're feeling overwhelmed, disempowered. We might need more support, we might need more strategies. We might have, you know, as you know, with different children, we actually need different strategies for different children. Sometimes our parenting approach won't work with a particular child, or a child might have extra challenges and things like that. So if you're struggling, there is support out there that can help you with that. Sometimes it's as simple as sitting down with your partner or co parent. If you're assuming you're not a single parent and like, going through a process of, like, what are our values? Where are we going to improve? How can I feel more supported? How can you feel more supported? And it might be that you're having big reactions because maybe you aren't having enough breaks, maybe you don't have enough support. So it's also not that you're a bad parent or a bad person, it's. It could be related to the fact that you actually need more support or more strategy or more rest.

Elise: Off the back of this, I wanted to share some personal ways that have helped me to find support when I'm feeling overwhelmed as a mum, and this is really personal, so I hope that it just helps you feel not alone. So a few months back, I was really struggling with my depression and I just felt like I was not showing up as a good mum. So the first place to start for me is always seeing my GP. So I went to my GP, talked to her about all of the options, and the biggest thing that always helps me, especially if you're from a family that is really busy, you don't have external family support, maybe your husband is away a lot of the time for work and things like that. I think it can be really tricky to ask for help, but when I went to see my GP, she put me on a mental health plan, which I just think this is such a great thing by Medicare. Here in Australia, it means you get ten sessions with a therapist, fully covered, and it's just a place for you to go and talk through everything. And it really personally helps me work through what I'm going through in my mind and also go a bit deeper as to why sometimes these triggers and these things are coming up, and it gives you that third party, that place where you can talk about things without feeling judged in an open environment. So I would highly suggest that as a first point of call, if you're feeling really overwhelmed, and then the next thing is really carving out time for you. So looking at your schedules with you and your hubby or your partner or a friend or a family member who can support you and just scheduling in making it more of a routine, like with my husband, we always talk about what have we got coming up for the week? When is he leaving early, which days is he away? And we schedule in all of our gym sessions because for me, that is really high on my priority list. I know that if I have worked out, if I have moved my body, I show up better. So we always sit down every Sunday and schedule those in. And also maybe where can you take a few hours for you. Can you go out with a girl for a coffee? Can you go Thursday night shopping once hubby's home and can watch the kids? So it's things like that, just having a look at your week and where you can show up better. Do you feel like that looking after yourself first really impacts the home, the haven that you're creating and your family?

Dr Renee: Yeah. And I feel like if I'm dysregulated, it really affects everyone. So. So, you know, my husband has learned, like, we both need to protect my yoga practice because if I go a while without it, I start to feel it and it actually ripples out and affects everyone. So it's as simple as knowing your body and nervous system and needs and knowing that it's not actually a small thing. It's really important.

Elise: Something I've been asking all of my guests on the podcast lately is what an inspired home means to them. So I'm going to leave you today with this episode from doctor Renee Kascher with a little snippet of what Renee explains is inspiring to her.

Dr Renee: I think it's feeling connected, feeling connected to yourself and feeling connected to life when things sort of flow, you know that inspiration, it's just forever coming and it almost feels internally generated. It's not like going on Instagram and things for inspiration. It's like this connection that you have to your own source of inspiration.

Elise: Thank you so much for tuning into inspired home. If you enjoyed today's episode, please subscribe, rate, and leave me a review. Don't forget to follow me on Inspiredhome podcast over on Instagram for more tips and inspiration. If you've got a question or topic you'd love me to chat about, please send me a DM or a voicey. I just love hearing from you guys. Until next week, keep your home happy and your life inspired.